Cub fans have been through a lot.

They’ve suffered through a billy goat’s 100 year curse.

They’ve seen a black cat dash past Ron Santo before an epic late-season collapse.

And who can forget Steve Bartman.

Those three moments have caused me countless tears and psychiatric appointments. None compare to what unfolded a few weeks ago, however. It was horrible. Terrifying. It was sad. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the worst mascot of all time. Meet Clark the Cub:

Clark the Cub is atrocious for the following reasons:

    1. He is a drug addict. You can tell by the odd eyebrows, backwards cap, and messy hair. This guy is a wreck and needs help immediately.
    2. He has no pants. Please, get the guy some help.
    3. He’s scary.
    4. Clark shows a complete disconnect between the Cubs’ owners, the Ricketts family, and Cub fans. Cub fans did not ask for a furry, crack head mascot. All we ask is a World Series.
    5. He was created by a focus group with the purpose of making the Cubs more family-friendly.
    6. Clark is named after one of the cross streets where Wrigley Field is located.
    7. Reason number 7 leaves open the possibility of a female Cub named Addison.
    8. In a photo of his first public appearance, the official Cubs photographer had their thumb in the picture, further demonstrating the lack of judgment.
    9. Do you know what will make more people come to Wrigley? A competitive ballclub!
    10. It took less than 24 hours for the Cubs to have to make their first “We will stand behind Clark” press release.
    11. It took another 24 hours for the Cubs to have to make their second “We will stand behind Clark” press release.
    12. It wasn’t Steve Bartman after all!
    13. The Cubs are awful right now, but one of the main reasons (if not the only reason) the fan base is still so strong is Wrigley. Other than Fenway, there isn’t a ballpark like it. Wrigley stands for the tradition of baseball, passing underneath the marquee and into the narrow corridors is like going back to the 40s. There’s no jumbo-tron, no pumped in music. About the only thing that’s changed is the addition of lights. Clark goes completely against everything this stadium stands for.
    14. Cub fans went crazy when lights were added. They refused to do the wave. I don’t want to know what Cub fans’ reactions are going to be like when they see Clark with a t-shirt cannon.
    15. The Cubs have never had a mascot, and I was always proud to hear our name mentioned with the Dodgers, Angels, and Yankees as the only teams without a mascot in the major leagues.
    16. Moments after his debut, this happened.
    17. And this.
    18. And don’t forget this.
    19. This tweet:
      Still figryuing out how 2 tyype with these big pawz. Will gett lessons from @Cubs. Come back soon!!— Clark the Cub (@ClarktheCub) January 13, 2014
    20. Clark is evil.

      How do you spell evil? C-L-A-R-K.
      How do you spell evil? C-L-A-R-K

Please, Mr. Ricketts: do Cub fans everywhere a favor. Rid the world of this monster you have created. Destroy all the evidence that Clark ever existed. Restore my sanity.



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