joeycupIf there was anything 2013 lacked, scandal was not one of them. Aaron Hernandez murdered someone. So did Oscar Pistorius. Richie Incognito bullied Jonathan Martin (or did he?). Johnny Football went crazy, and Jameis Winston may have raped someone. Manti Te’o got catfished. The lights went out on the Super Bowl and possibly A-Rod’s career. Finally, Lance Armstrong admitted to steroid use. Enough has been said about all of that. Let’s celebrate the accomplishments of the sports world this year. Welcome to the 3rd annual Joey Awards:

Sportsman of the Year: David Ortiz, DH/1B, Boston Red Sox: When I think back on 2013, the moment I’m going to remember the most is Big Papi standing in Fenway with a microphone in his hand and looking shaken Bostonians in their eyes and telling them “This is our f***ing city!” I’ll never forget watching that ceremony and that speech. I was just expecting a few folks to be honored and a few players saying that they can’t believe what happened. And then David Ortiz reminded us that baseball games aren’t always about the scoreboard. Sports can be greater than just a game, and sports have the power to bring a community together and heal.

Oh, and he won another World Series while batting .668 with 2 homers and 8 RBIs.

Sportswoman of the Year: Serena Williams: Serena is bigger, faster, and stronger than any female tennis player ever. It definitely showed on the court. Her ultra-aggressive style won her the French Open and the US Open, 34-straight matches, and led to a number-one ranking, becoming the oldest female in tennis history to be ranked number one.

Best Team: Boston Red Sox: There were beards and grand slams and bullpen cops, but most importantly, this year’s Red Sox backed up what Papi told those Bostonians on April 20: one year after finishing dead last in the AL East and firing Bobby Valentine, the Red Sox won the World Series. There was a game-tying grand slam in the second game of the ALCS by Papi and a Shane Victorino go-ahead grand slam later that series that would win the American League. There were walk-off pick-offs and walk-off obstructions. However they had to do it, the Red Sox found a way to live up to Big Papi’s words. In 2013, it was the Red Sox’ f***ing city.

Most Impressive Performance: Nick Foles’ record-tying 7 TD throws over the Raiders: I think Foles himself summed his game up perfectly when asked if he had ever thrown 7 TDs at any level of football before: “Only in a video game.” He’s right, the numbers really are straight out of a video game: Foles threw more TDs than incompletions, he had only thrown 12 TDs in his career before his 7 TD game, and the Raiders, whom Foles was playing, had only thrown 7 TDs all season.

Breakthrough Athlete of the Year: Yasiel Puig, RF, Los Angeles Dodgers: Is there anything thing on the baseball field that Yasiel Puig can’t do?

He can hit.


He can run.


He can field.


And scientists replaced his arm with a cannon. 


Best Upset: Auburn over Alabama: This game was absolutely incredible. It was back-and-forth throughout the whole game. In the fourth quarter, AJ McCarron threw a 99-yard TD bomb, and Nick Marshall countered with a savvy 39-yard TD pass to tie it up. When Alabama got the ball back with 32 seconds left in the game and began to drive down to the 38-yard line, it felt like something special was going to happen, ,but nobody could have imagined this…

Play of the Year: Auburn’s Chris Davis returns missed field goal 109 yards for a game-winning TD:

“There goes Davis! Oh my God! Oh my God! Auburn’s He’s gonna run it all the way back. Auburn’s gonna win the football game! AUBURN’S GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!” doubles as the best call of the year.

Worst Play of the Year: 2 Florida players block each other: I mean…I can’t even….how? Just how?

The Bud Selig Memorial, Most Likely to be Caught to Have Taken Steroids Award: Lindsey Vonn, Skier: Lindsey Vonn had one of the most gruesome knee injuries ever: a torn ACL, MCL, and lateral meniscus plus a fractured tibial plateau. It would take the average person 12 months to recover from the same injury. It took Lindsey Vonn a little under 7. 7! That is not possible. I don’t care how driven or athletic you are. It is not possible to naturally recover to Olympic-level from that injury in that small amount of time.

No amount of rehab can heal Lindsey Vonn's injury in 7 months.
No amount of rehab can heal Lindsey Vonn’s injury in 7 months.

NFL Player of the Year: Peyton Manning, QB, Denver Broncos: Look at this stat-line:

68.3% completions, 5,477 passing yards, 55 TDs, 10 interceptions, 115.1 QB rating

That’s Peyton’s season this year. He’s thrown for more yards and TDs than anyone in football, only 2 years after 4 neck surgeries. Joe Montana only threw 13 TDs when he was 37. Peyton is having the most prolific career in football history and this season is second-to-none.

MLB Player of the Year: Yasiel Puig, RF, Los Angeles Dodgers: See breakthrough athlete.

NHL Player of the Year: Patrick Kane, LW, Chicago Blackhawks: During the NHL’s lockout, some people called for Kane to be traded, but after the year he’s had, it’s clear that Kane won’t be traded anytime soon. Kane scored 55 points in last year’s regular season and added another 19 en route to a Stanley Cup and a Conn Smythe trophy. Kane hasn’t slowed down during the young 2013-14 season, already scoring 53 points. He might party too hard and have the worst hair in sports, but Patty Kane will stay in Chicago for many years to come.

He's a heck of a hockey player, but he needs to work on that mullet...
He’s a heck of a hockey player, but he needs to work on that mullet…

NBA Player of the Year: LeBron James, F, Miami Heat: There’s no question that LeBron is the best in the NBA right now. The question now is: is he the best of all time? Since LeBron turned 29 on the 30th, let’s compare MJ and LeBron on their 29th birthday:

LeBron averages 27.5 points per game, while MJ averaged 32.3. LeBron grabs 7.2 boards every game, and MJ grabbed 6.3. LeBron dishes out 6.9 assists every game, but MJ averaged 5.9. But now to the most important stat: LeBron has 2 titles. MJ had only won 1.

What a fitting way to end not only LeBron's year, but the Lakers' as well.
What a fitting way to end not only LeBron’s year, but the Lakers’ as well.

LeBron is better in every statistical category except for points. Will he continue to surpass MJ beyond his 32nd, 35th, and 38th birthdays? He might. He might not. Either way, he’s heads and tails better than anyone else in the Association today.

No headband no problem. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)
No headband no problem. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

So there you have it. We got through an entire review of 2013 only mentioning Johnny Football once, and he didn’t drunkenly stumble onto the stage and post a selfie on Instagram. Either this isn’t a big enough award show for him or security did a great job adhering to my “No Aggies allowed” rule. I’ll assume the latter.